TOTALLY Less Than Threatening
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: The six undead former-jinchuuriki socialize and discuss the relative "lame-ness" of their respective bijuu. Oneshot. Crack. Rated T for some mild-to-moderate cursing. Disclaimer: "It's fun to write characters who have no real defined personalities..."


**Totally**** Less Than Threatening**

A _Naruto_ Crack-fic

By

EvilFuzzy9

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><p>In an undisclosed location, a good distance from the thick of the fighting in the Fourth Ninja World War, six infamous undead shinobi impatiently awaited their next orders.<p>

"So, wait, let me see if I've got this right..." Fu muttered incredulously, staring at the other five. "You guys were all jinchuriki for the other tailed beasts? And you all got taken down by those Akatsuki bastards too?"

Yagura scowled, uncertainty clear on his face. "... I can't quite remember. I think I might be disoriented from that summoning technique..." he murmured.

"... I'm surprised they even still exist," Yugito confessed, "but there surely must have been extenuating curcumstances. Otherwise, Lord Raikage would have personally beaten them into the dust!" she declared with conviction.

"... Hotaru, my pupil..." Utakata sighed morosely. "... Can you forgive your sensei for being defeated so easily and leaving you behind...?"

Han was silent, but hatred was clear in his eyes. _'Damn them...'_

Roshi growled. "That shark-faced punk got the drop on me, that's all! If I'd been fighting at full strength, he wouldn't have been able to so much as lay a hand on me!" He declared indignantly.

"Huh, looks like it." Fu furrowed her brow, "But if that's the case, why are there only six of us here...?" she wondered. "By the way, which beasts do you guys have?"

"Perhaps you meant to say: 'Which beasts _did_ you guys have'?" Yugito corrected, "Because the entire reason the Akatsuki were after us was because they wanted our demons."

"You know what I mean!" Fu snapped. "Anyways, mine was the Seven-Tailed Rhinoceros Beetle. What about you?"

"I had the Two-Tailed Nekomata," Yugito offered.

"I was the Three-Tailed Giant Turtle," said Yagura.

Roshi snickered. "A bug, a pussycat, and a turtle? _Real_ intimidating," he teased.

"Oh yeah?" Yugito snarled defensively. "And what was yours, again, you obnoxious geezer...? Oh right! A _monkey_!" she spat.

This time it was Roshi's turn to snarl. "The Four-Tailed Oozaru is no laughing matter! It is a terrible beast capable of wreaking untold havoc!"

"Yeah," Yugito rolled her eyes, "and its power level is over nine thousand," she said sarcastically.

Roshi snarled. "You insolent-!"

Fu smacked both of them on the back of the head. "Quit fighting, you guys!" She scolded, "At least_ we_ didn't have anything pathetic, like the Five-Tailed Dolphin-Horse or the Six-Tailed Slug."

Utakata's eyebrow twitched as he reached for his bubble blower, and steam began pouring from the furnace on the back of Han's armor as his eyes narrowed.

"I'll have you know," the latter hissed dangerously, "That horses are symbols of strength and courage, and dolphins are as violently depraved as they are intelligent."

"... okay, I'll give you that," Fu conceded, "But it's still a ridiculous biological mash-up."

"What about me?" Utakata demanded.

"What _about _you?" Fu inquired with a raised eyebrow. "Slugs are totally less than threatening. I mean, rhinoceros beetles are renowned for their disproportionate strength, nekomata are legitimate mythical creatures capable of devouring men whole, dolphins are sex-crazed thrill killers, monkeys are basically furry humans with tails, and the three-tails is a goddamn **kaijuu**. Compared to all that... a slug is just pathetic," she concluded with a shrug.

Utakata glared at her. "It's only been half an hour, and I _already_ hate you," he pouted.

Fu smirked, "Well, gee! What took you so long?" she teased, her sentiments echoed by the other four jincuuriki.

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><p><strong>AN: Admit it: Kishimoto was **_**clearly**_** grasping at straws with the designs for some of the tailed beasts. But we still love 'im. Also, am I the only person who is eagerly anticipating **_**FINALLY**_** learning something about the other jinchuuriki that isn't either filler or speculation? (Though, considering Kishi actually canonized Raiga's lightning swords, I suppose it isn't too inconceivable that he might keep Utakata's backstory basically the same as it was in the anime)**

**Also, also, I sincerely hope that Fu ends up officially being a girl, because, after all, you can only take **_**bishonen**_** so far before it crosses the line into just plain creepy - if nothing else, at least Haku, as feminine as he was, never paraded around in a miniskirt/belly-shirt/fishnet (or ninja chainmail, if you're into that sort of thing) combo. And who wants to bet Han will pull an I Am Not Left-Handed on the joint shinobi forces, or whoever he ends up fighting? Man, I can't wait to see what sort of crazy shit they'll end up pulling off? **

**...  
><strong>

**I can imagine all the jinchuuriki sharing an apartment in a sitcom.  
><strong>


End file.
